Where Were You?

Eight years ago, I was sitting at the drive-up window of the bank where I worked (it opened earlier than the rest if the bank, so I already had customers). My mom called to tell me she was watching Good Morning America and that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I thought she meant a small plane, like a Cessna, had flown too close and clipped the building or something minor and couldn’t figure out why she was calling me at work to tell me. I got off the phone and a couple of minutes later, one of my regular customers pulled up and asked if I’d heard about the plane. I called my mom back and she relayed what they were saying on GMA. We were on the phone when the second plane hit as the GMA camera captured it live. I’ll never forget the sound in her voice as she reacted to what she saw. Because the Trade Center had been attacked, we were concerned something would happen to the banks as well. I remembered being grateful for living in a suburb of a minor city because it would hopefully mean we would not be attacked too. I remember praying for my brother and his family who were stationed overseas. Most of all, I remember praying that the worst was over.

It wasn’t. We had a tv in the break room and we kept taking turns going back to watch it. I think there was a radio too, but it was all a blur of confusion and fear. I was on the phone with my mom when the towers fell. As terrifying and heartbreaking as it was, there was something so comforting about experiencing this with her. I remembered I couldn’t wait for the bank to close that afternoon so I could go home and be with my family. Once we were all home, we just sat there all evening moving back and forth between sorrow, outrage and uncertainty.

To this day, I am still in awe of the bravery of those who voluntarily entered those hellish buildings to save lives and sacrificed their own in the process. I am proud that evil did NOT win, that we did NOT stop living and fighting for our lives! May God bless the families and loved ones of those who were lost that day and who died fighting to keep us safe before and after those cowardly attacks. May He also bless those brave individuals who currently serve to protect us. May we never forget the lives lost and lessons learned on September 11, 2001.

Quiet

A very insightful friend of mine once mentioned (forgive me for not remembering the exact wording; it was several years ago), “I need to go out and be active (i.e. workout/train) every day, but you – perhaps you need to be quiet some every day.” She didn’t mean that I was loud or shouldn’t talk. (At least I don’t think she did. If she did, well, then I spent the past few years incorporating something into my life that was based on miscommunication. Either way, it’s been a change for the better.) She was referring to the fact that I am a very energetic person (some might say hyper) and am always on the go, so much that I often feel a little out-of-control and unsure of where I'm going or how to stop myself. My mind constantly races with ideas, reminders, possibilities, concerns and just random thoughts that pop up here and there (that’s what happens when you’re a linear thinker).

I've spent the past few years trying to make a practice of having "quiet time" everyday. I love my quiet time!! I do it in the morning, when everything is quiet and still and there aren’t as many distractions. It started out with just some deep breathing and relaxation, but in the past two years or so it’s become more of a time for Bible study, journaling and prayer. It has developed into my own personal one-on-one time with God and I treasure it deeply. I love starting my day in this manner and feel out-of-sorts whenever I’m not able to do so (usually due to poor planning on my part).

As I’ve gotten caught up in work responsibilities, I’ve neglected to set aside time every morning and spend it with God, and it has shown in every aspect of my life! But God, in His amazing, all-knowing glory, blesses me with an opportunity to have some quiet time every day, despite my poor planning and disobedience. My commute to work every morning includes a 20-minute drive along the edge of an Army post. It’s considered a “dead zone” because it’s nearly impossible to receive cell phone signals in that area and radio stations get fuzzy and distorted. When I’m on this road, I cannot talk on my cell phone, text or listen to the radio. Sometimes it’s nothing but silence. Sometimes I map out the day’s schedule in my head and am able to prioritize items on my ever-growing list of things to do (this is usually very difficult for me). Sometimes He places people and inspirations on my heart. Sometimes I worship. Sometimes I complain. But it’s quiet time and I am grateful for it.

Balefire

Balefire \ˈbāl-ˌfī(-ə)r\Function: noun : an outdoor fire often used as a signal fire

Balefire is the name given to the youth group at my church here in Fayetteville. It symbolizes their desire to be a beacon of light for Christ through their thoughts, words, actions and deeds. One of the many ways God has blessed my life is to allow me the privilege of working with these amazing young men and women. As we're preparing to kick off the new school year and new programming for the youth group, I wanted to take a minute and reflect on this particular journey.

When I was a teenager, I belonged to a huge youth group and we had many youth counselors, most of whom were parents. They were such positive examples for me and I was constantly encouraged by their wisdom and insight. Adolescence was painful for me and I'm sure I was quite a handful at times, but they treated me like I was important. They treasured my uniqueness without making me stand out from the rest - something every teenager wants. It was a very special time for me and I have always been thankful for those who took time away from their families and priorities to spend with me and help me grow in my faith. When I left the youth group and went on to college, I asked God to please grant me the opportunity to be for some other teenager what my youth counselors were to me. My prayer was answered twelve-and-a-half years later when I moved to Fayetteville. I knew this was where I was meant to be and was so excited to jump in with both feet.

That was in January, and what an adventure it has been! They have allowed me into their lives and I am loving every second of this wild and crazy ride I'm taking with them. As we move into the Fall and things start back up again, I am so excited because we are all taking this step together. I am so thankful God has placed me in this position with Balefire. I am thankful for each and every member of this group and for their love for Christ and willingness to grow in their relationships with Him. I pray God will continue to use me and all of my imperfections and that I will trust His wisdom in all that He places before me.

Driving

It occurred to me I've been in North Carolina for eight months now. Wow, time flies. It's kind of scary that I'm beginning to know my way around and not have to depend on maps as much anymore (at least in Fayetteville; the surrounding areas in which I work, not so much); not scary in that it's bad or frightening, it's just something I've never experienced. I grew up in Chattanooga and knew (mostly) how to get where I wanted to go by the time I was old enough to drive. When I moved to Knoxville for college, I had to learn to navigate in a new town but a couple of years of living on (or very near) campus helped because everything I needed was pretty close. I stayed in Knoxville after college and, though I did occasionally get lost, was pretty confident in my knowledge of the city and surrounding areas by the time I moved. Moving to North Carolina brought about an entirely different experience and I've had so much fun (though not always at the time) getting lost and learning to trust my instincts instead of a map.

I moved into a new place this weekend and all of the feelings surrounding my leaving Tennessee came up again.

Actually, this past month I've been thinking a lot about my move to North Carolina and my journey up to this point. As I was driving through the country (one of my FAVORITE aspects of my job!) on the way home from work the other day, I asked myself what I would think if something happened and I needed to go back to Tennessee. To my surprise, I realized I'm not yet ready to leave North Carolina. I like my life here and I'm having fun on this adventure. That's a rather conflicting realization, considering how much I complain about missing my friends and family in Tennessee and that North Carolina is just too flat and my town too boring.

As much as I complain, (I seriously hope I don't complain that much and this is all in my head), I do enjoy living here and I am glad I came. Then why do I complain? Trying to understand this has become very frustrating because I don't want to complain. I don't want to be that person. I'm not that person! Am I?

Independence Day

This thing we celebrate this weekend, freedom.... I have no idea how to describe what it means to me or how immeasurably grateful I am for God's grace in allowing me to live in the United States of America. Here are some thoughts on freedom from men and women much wiser than myself whose understanding of freedom mirrors my own.

May we never forget how our forefathers fought against tyranny and oppression over 200 years ago to give the people of this country, the best damn country on earth, the right to live independently. May we also never forget the blood that was shed and the lives that were given to ensure we what we have today. And if we ever dare forget, may the Lord have mercy on us all.

.......

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same." ~Ronald Reagan

"I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master." ~Thomas Jefferson

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err." ~Mohandas Gandhi

"Freedom is never dear at any price. It is the breath of life. What would a man not pay for living?" ~Mohandas Gandhi

"The cost of freedom is always high, but Americans have always paid it. And one path we shall never choose, and that is the path of surrender, or submission." ~John F. Kennedy

"The patriot's blood is the seed of Freedom's tree." ~Thomas Campbell

"The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either." ~Benjamin Franklin

"A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom." ~Bob Dylan

"If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter." ~George Washington

"We must be willing to pay a price for freedom." ~H. L. Mencken

"There are two visions of America. One precedes our founding fathers and finds its roots in the harshness of our puritan past. It is very suspicious of freedom, uncomfortable with diversity, hostile to science, unfriendly to reason, contemptuous of personal autonomy. It sees America as a religious nation. It views patriotism as allegiance to God. It secretly adores coercion and conformity. Despite our constitution, despite the legacy of the Enlightenment, it appeals to millions of Americans and threatens our freedom.
The other vision finds its roots in the spirit of our founding revolution and in the leaders of this nation who embraced the age of reason. It loves freedom, encourages diversity, embraces science and affirms the dignity and rights of every individual. It sees America as a moral nation, neither completely religious nor completely secular. It defines patriotism as love of country and of the people who make it strong. It defends all citizens against unjust coercion and irrational conformity.
This second vision is our vision. It is the vision of a free society. We must be bold enough to proclaim it and strong enough to defend it against all its enemies." ~Rabbi Sherwin Wine

"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it." ~Thomas Paine

"Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground." ~Frederick Douglass

"Freedom makes a huge requirement of every human being. With freedom comes responsibility. For the person who is unwilling to grow up, the person who does not want to carry is own weight, this is a frightening prospect." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

"Freedom - to walk free and own no superior." ~Walt Whitman

"It does not take a majority to prevail... but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men." ~Samuel Adams

"The liberties of our country, the freedom of our civil constitution, are worth defending against all hazards: And it is our duty to defend them against all attacks." ~Samuel Adams

"Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it." ~John Quincy Adams

"As soon as laws are necessary for men, they are no longer fit for freedom." ~Pythagoras

"None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free." ~Pearl S. Buck

"Freedom is the sure possession of those alone who have the courage to defend it." ~Pericles

"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once." ~H. L. Mencken

"Freedom has its life in the hearts, the actions, the spirit of men and so it must be daily earned and refreshed - else like a flower cut from its life-giving roots, it will wither and die." ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

"I believe that liberty is the only genuinely valuable thing that men have invented, at least in the field of government, in a thousand years. I believe that it is better to be free than to be not free, even when the former is dangerous and the latter safe. I believe that the finest qualities of man can flourish only in free air – that progress made under the shadow of the policeman's club is false progress, and of no permanent value. I believe that any man who takes the liberty of another into his keeping is bound to become a tyrant, and that any man who yields up his liberty, in however slight the measure, is bound to become a slave." ~H. L. Mencken

"So long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men." ~Voltaire

"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them." ~Mark Twain

What does giving up chocolate for Lent accomplish?

A friend posed a question that I had difficulty answering with a few lines on a Facebook Comment, so I thought I’d go this route. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anyway, so now I feel like less of a blog slacker. This way I’m killing two birds with one stone, as my mother says.

Ok, I can see how giving up chocolate for Lent seems silly and quite pointless, but not for me. This is the first year I've made an effort to be introspective, and giving up chocolate is part of that effort. I’ve given things up for Lent before, but I never learned anything from it. Some years, I didn’t make it very long before going back on my decision and then I’d just feel bad for a little while and then go on with my life. My relationship with Christ was weak for a long time and my complete lack of spiritual (or physical) discipline showed it. When Lent came around this year, I wanted to do something different.

I decided to give up something I knew I’d face all the time so I’d have a constant reminder of the internal, spiritual work I needed to be doing. I get into routines and seldom make changes without difficulty, so placing myself in situations where I’d have to STOP and think about what I was doing and why actually helped. If you saw my office, you’d understand! Chocolate is literally on everyone’s desk and there’s always a piece within arm’s reach. Working in this field can be very stressful (especially for a newbie like me) and folks in my office use chocolate as a coping skill (I am not kidding!). I did too, until Lent.

Discipline has never been my strongest suit. Lack of discipline? You bet. Impatience? I have plenty of that! Giving up chocolate wasn’t hard, but being forced to constantly think about my commitment to remembering Christ’s sacrifices and temptations has kept my mind on track this Lenten season. I was still lazy and didn’t do all the internal work I’d intended, but I know I will walk away from this experience having learned some things about myself that perhaps I wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

I also gave up biting my fingernails, which was extremely difficult. I do it without even thinking and have done it for so long that it seems like they no longer even grow. Anytime part of a nail began to show, I’d peel it off to where I just had fingertips – no nails. I know, it’s gross, but it’s the truth. I’ve never had an addiction, but that’s what it feels like. As of today, Good Friday, I’ve been able to refrain from doing it, but only by the grace of God!

Having to constantly ask God for the strength to not do something that is so beyond microscopic in all He sees was very humbling. It was a much-needed reminder of my humanity and that I am nothing without His love and grace. So it’s more than just giving up something frivolous, at least for me….

Peace in the midst of confusion

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not own your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

Isaiah 49:2 "He made my mouth like a sharp sword; in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me a polished arrow; in his quiver he hid me away."

Isaiah 50:10-11 "Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God."

Romans 8:26 "For we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

Psalm 34:4-5 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed."

James 1:5-8 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Blessings - from Him, not me

I am so ashamed to think I was making some grand gesture of faith. God didn't ask much of me at all, and I surely didn't do Him any favors! Is that the most I'm willing to do for my Savior - drop out of school and move to a different state? No!! Jesus chose to be rejected, tortured and die an agonizing death for me. ME. And I'm thinking I made some great sacrifice?!? Absolutely not! This was nothing! How can I ever say something is too much for me to do for my Lord?

Despite the fact that I griped and whined the entire way and have made such a big deal out of everything, God has once again shown me favor. Not only did He introduce me to a wonderful church whose people have welcomed me with open arms and continue to support and encourage me, He has opened the doors to an amazing job that will allow me to not only provide for myself, but also use my skills and experience to bless the lives of those in need. I am so excited about this job and I cannot wait to begin!

I'm not writing this to lift myself up as some great believer or servant of God. On the contrary, I'm writing to say that if you listen to God and follow His lead, even if you don't understand what is going on, He will reward you. It's the faith in the unknown that He wants. It's clinging to Him that He wants. Yes, we are stubborn and fearful, but we must give those feelings to God so that we may focus on Him and not the other things. I don't serve my God because I know I will get a reward. It's not like a job where you work for your boss because he'll pay you. I serve my God because His son, Jesus Christ, who is in Him, saved me from my sins, has never left my side and continues to show me more love and forgiveness than I can even imagine.

I will never be able to fully express my thanks and adoration for what my Lord has done and continues to do for me - as a human, I am flawed and incapable. I figure, the only thing I can do is lay myself before Him as an offering of complete love and devotion and allow Him to transform me into the person He needs me to be in order to carry out His will. This cannot be easy for God as I can be such a dense, stubborn, unfocused, selfish and arrogant brat! Nonetheless, He not only shows me grace but continues to encourage my faithfulness.