Duh!

Once again, I have been reminded that my life is more about Him and less about me. He brings people and situations into my life and I foolishly think it's for MY best interest. Uh, no, that's not quite it. He is working through me to both teach me and reach others in my life. I seem to always think that since a situation goes as I think it should, it must just be a blessing and nothing else. How foolish I've been!

Temptation

It seems I am struggling with so much temptation these days. I hate how weak and guilty I feel when I give into it, yet I usually turn around and do it again. It doesn't matter what kind of temptation - of the body, mind or spirit - I'm racking up big points in the "things I shouldn't have done" department. The worst part about this is I still look upon some of those temptations as fun and/or don't take any action to prevent myself from backsliding again. I know my thoughts and behaviors are hurting my relationship with God but I still do them because I benefit in some Earthly way. I hear Him whispering what I action I should take, yet I am torn. The actions I am to take are in direct conflict with what I've been doing (obviously) and that scares me. I think there's a reason for this: the situations in which I involve myself are very positive and have the potential to be blessings in my life, but I taint them with my insecurities and doubts due to the fact that every aspect of my life (social, financial, career, school, emotional) - seems to be falling apart at exactly the same time. How did I get here?!?

I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other, but in a different way than usually imagined. Several angels and demons exist; each one arrives for work in my conscious, works a few hours and then trades off with another of their type. The angels usually do a pretty good job of keeping the demons at bay, but not all the time. Shift changes, when everything slows down and becomes quiet, are the worst for me. For example: after a day of being very productive and well-behaved, I am now thinking of partaking in an activity which I know goes against my instruction. I find little ways to rationalize my thinking, but it's always the same.

There are times when I am completely gung-ho about making better decisions and taking steps to avoid the temptation and then there are others when I seem to go out of my way to do the very things I had previously asked God to help me avoid. My present vulnerability leaves me without a filter and, when temptation strikes, I find myself thinking, saying and doing things that are not the usual “me.”

I am so thankful for His interventions. I am a big believer that He makes things happen to keep us from continuing in the wrong direction. He whispers to me, but I find I don’t usually listen until He has to yell to get my attention. By the time I finally listen to Him, I’ve caused myself a lot of pain. But yesterday was different. He allowed something I had planned (which was completely an unhealthy idea but I didn’t see it that way) to fall through. Although I was disappointed, it dawned on me that it happened for a reason. I realized what a fool I’d been all this time. It hurt, but not as much as if I hadn’t listened.

I’ve fallen away from God. It didn’t start out like that, but like most unhealthy habits in life it just sort of spiraled out of control and now I feel completely lost and worthless - yet still wanting control. Like I’ve done such a bang-up job so far!

I need to turn back to God, give it all to Him and let Him control things. Of course, that requires my passivity. Crap. I have to consciously make the choice to seek Him before temptation strikes so I can be strong and clear when things get confusing. If’ I’m constantly looking toward God, there will be no confusion. He has pulled me through tough times before and I know He will pull me through this. I just have to let Him.

Boyfriend, schmoyfriend

I needed to replace the battery in my car. I called around trying to find an inexpensive used one and found one for $25 (yay!) but the terminals were opposite of those on my original battery. I took out the battery and played around with the cables to see if they would stretch, but one didn't so I had to go with a more appropriately-terminalled one around $40 (not bad). I didn't want to go through the effort of putting the battery back in and finding someone to jump it off (the thing was DEAD), so I just stuck it in a back pack and hopped on the bus. It took me a while to get there, thanks to getting on the wrong bus, but I love a good adventure and had a book to read, so it was okay.

While I was at the store purchasing my new battery, an older couple (late 70's?) came in to get a battery for their friend, a guy (40ish?) with a South African accent who was apparently visiting. Anyway, I was handing my old battery to the sales guy and the wife looked down, noticed my open empty backpack and said incredulously, “Did you bring your car battery here in a back pack?!?” I told her I did and explained what happened. This is an account of the the ensuing conversation:

Man (smiling and shaking his head): “Sounds like you need to get you a boyfriend to take care of that kind of stuff for you.”

Me: “The heck I do! I don’t need a boyfriend to take care of my car.”

Wife (to him): “Dear, she’s right. She doesn’t. Look at her!” (Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the sales guy (late 40’s) nodding in agreement.)

Wife (to me): “You just keep right on goin’ honey.”

Me: “Thanks! I have no intention of stopping.”

South African visitor (to the man): “Who knows? Nowadays, you don’t find men who know stuff like that. She might need to do it all!”

By that time, they were ready to leave. The South African guy winked at me as they left, the wife still going on and on about independent women. It was too funny!

When I got back home, I had that battery installed in less than 5 minutes. I’m sure that’s far from any record, but for me, that was pretty good!

Freedom

"To so many Americans, the love of freedom means nothing more than the love of the thought that other people are doing just what you believe they should be doing, and nothing more. Freedom means the freedom to succeed, and the freedom to fail. Freedom means the freedom to make bad choices and suffer the consequences, and the freedom to make good choices and enjoy the rewards. When you want the government to use its police power to protect you from failure and shield you from the consequences of bad choices, then what you really want isn’t freedom at all.” -Neal Boortz, Somebody's Gotta Say It