What does giving up chocolate for Lent accomplish?

A friend posed a question that I had difficulty answering with a few lines on a Facebook Comment, so I thought I’d go this route. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anyway, so now I feel like less of a blog slacker. This way I’m killing two birds with one stone, as my mother says.

Ok, I can see how giving up chocolate for Lent seems silly and quite pointless, but not for me. This is the first year I've made an effort to be introspective, and giving up chocolate is part of that effort. I’ve given things up for Lent before, but I never learned anything from it. Some years, I didn’t make it very long before going back on my decision and then I’d just feel bad for a little while and then go on with my life. My relationship with Christ was weak for a long time and my complete lack of spiritual (or physical) discipline showed it. When Lent came around this year, I wanted to do something different.

I decided to give up something I knew I’d face all the time so I’d have a constant reminder of the internal, spiritual work I needed to be doing. I get into routines and seldom make changes without difficulty, so placing myself in situations where I’d have to STOP and think about what I was doing and why actually helped. If you saw my office, you’d understand! Chocolate is literally on everyone’s desk and there’s always a piece within arm’s reach. Working in this field can be very stressful (especially for a newbie like me) and folks in my office use chocolate as a coping skill (I am not kidding!). I did too, until Lent.

Discipline has never been my strongest suit. Lack of discipline? You bet. Impatience? I have plenty of that! Giving up chocolate wasn’t hard, but being forced to constantly think about my commitment to remembering Christ’s sacrifices and temptations has kept my mind on track this Lenten season. I was still lazy and didn’t do all the internal work I’d intended, but I know I will walk away from this experience having learned some things about myself that perhaps I wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

I also gave up biting my fingernails, which was extremely difficult. I do it without even thinking and have done it for so long that it seems like they no longer even grow. Anytime part of a nail began to show, I’d peel it off to where I just had fingertips – no nails. I know, it’s gross, but it’s the truth. I’ve never had an addiction, but that’s what it feels like. As of today, Good Friday, I’ve been able to refrain from doing it, but only by the grace of God!

Having to constantly ask God for the strength to not do something that is so beyond microscopic in all He sees was very humbling. It was a much-needed reminder of my humanity and that I am nothing without His love and grace. So it’s more than just giving up something frivolous, at least for me….

Peace in the midst of confusion

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not own your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

Isaiah 49:2 "He made my mouth like a sharp sword; in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me a polished arrow; in his quiver he hid me away."

Isaiah 50:10-11 "Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God."

Romans 8:26 "For we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

Psalm 34:4-5 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed."

James 1:5-8 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Blessings - from Him, not me

I am so ashamed to think I was making some grand gesture of faith. God didn't ask much of me at all, and I surely didn't do Him any favors! Is that the most I'm willing to do for my Savior - drop out of school and move to a different state? No!! Jesus chose to be rejected, tortured and die an agonizing death for me. ME. And I'm thinking I made some great sacrifice?!? Absolutely not! This was nothing! How can I ever say something is too much for me to do for my Lord?

Despite the fact that I griped and whined the entire way and have made such a big deal out of everything, God has once again shown me favor. Not only did He introduce me to a wonderful church whose people have welcomed me with open arms and continue to support and encourage me, He has opened the doors to an amazing job that will allow me to not only provide for myself, but also use my skills and experience to bless the lives of those in need. I am so excited about this job and I cannot wait to begin!

I'm not writing this to lift myself up as some great believer or servant of God. On the contrary, I'm writing to say that if you listen to God and follow His lead, even if you don't understand what is going on, He will reward you. It's the faith in the unknown that He wants. It's clinging to Him that He wants. Yes, we are stubborn and fearful, but we must give those feelings to God so that we may focus on Him and not the other things. I don't serve my God because I know I will get a reward. It's not like a job where you work for your boss because he'll pay you. I serve my God because His son, Jesus Christ, who is in Him, saved me from my sins, has never left my side and continues to show me more love and forgiveness than I can even imagine.

I will never be able to fully express my thanks and adoration for what my Lord has done and continues to do for me - as a human, I am flawed and incapable. I figure, the only thing I can do is lay myself before Him as an offering of complete love and devotion and allow Him to transform me into the person He needs me to be in order to carry out His will. This cannot be easy for God as I can be such a dense, stubborn, unfocused, selfish and arrogant brat! Nonetheless, He not only shows me grace but continues to encourage my faithfulness.

Blessed to be broken

“Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.” (Isaiah 53:10)

A lot has happened since my last post. Back in early November, I felt God calling me to pull up stakes and move six hours away from everything and everyone I know and love to live with my brother and his family. Don’t get me wrong; my brother and his family are very important to me, but I am not very close to them and do not see them very often due to his job in the military. It was an exciting yet very daunting opportunity and I was confused about whether it was me or God who wanted this move.

Prayer opened my eyes to see there was nothing left for me in my present situation. My apartment building was filled with black mold which had caused me respiratory problems since the previous Spring. No matter how much I complained to the office about it and how it was affecting my health, nothing was done to help me or any of the other tenants. I wanted out but couldn’t afford to leave. I had recently joined a very dear friend in revitalizing the business she ran out of her home and, despite countless hours of work, sweat and occasional tears, it just wasn’t getting off the ground. I was a graduate student in a wonderful teacher education program and loved my classes but living in “crisis mode,” always wondering how ends would be met, was taking its toll on my studies. I was afraid I'd have to drop out before I fell too far behind and ruined all my hard work. I was frustrated and confused and felt like a complete failure, so when my brother called to invite me to live with him, I prayed about it and realized I needed to move. I love adventure but fear dramatic change (this was the most dramatic change I'd ever made). After hearing His call and preparing to move, I looked back over the previous months and it hit me – knowing I was so stubborn and afraid, my Father took away every excuse I had to stay so that when He called I’d be ready to go. I was!

I selfishly assumed that since I made this grand effort to leave and start anew, God would begin showing me signs and making my new life just peachy once I arrived. Unfortunately, that’s not how things work. I continue to wrestle before God with my fears and concerns about my future. I’m drawing strength from prayer and scripture and delighting in the new things He teaches me daily. God is so good!

Psalms 30: 6-7 "When I was secure, I said, I will never be shaken. LORD, when You showed Your favor, You made me stand like a strong mountain; when You hid Your face, I was terrified."

A friend of mine posted this on her blog and something about it spoke to me and convicted me that I, too, say I will never be shaken, become strong in the Lord's presence and then crumble when alone. Will I ever get to the point where I can stand strong?

Duh!

Once again, I have been reminded that my life is more about Him and less about me. He brings people and situations into my life and I foolishly think it's for MY best interest. Uh, no, that's not quite it. He is working through me to both teach me and reach others in my life. I seem to always think that since a situation goes as I think it should, it must just be a blessing and nothing else. How foolish I've been!

Temptation

It seems I am struggling with so much temptation these days. I hate how weak and guilty I feel when I give into it, yet I usually turn around and do it again. It doesn't matter what kind of temptation - of the body, mind or spirit - I'm racking up big points in the "things I shouldn't have done" department. The worst part about this is I still look upon some of those temptations as fun and/or don't take any action to prevent myself from backsliding again. I know my thoughts and behaviors are hurting my relationship with God but I still do them because I benefit in some Earthly way. I hear Him whispering what I action I should take, yet I am torn. The actions I am to take are in direct conflict with what I've been doing (obviously) and that scares me. I think there's a reason for this: the situations in which I involve myself are very positive and have the potential to be blessings in my life, but I taint them with my insecurities and doubts due to the fact that every aspect of my life (social, financial, career, school, emotional) - seems to be falling apart at exactly the same time. How did I get here?!?

I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other, but in a different way than usually imagined. Several angels and demons exist; each one arrives for work in my conscious, works a few hours and then trades off with another of their type. The angels usually do a pretty good job of keeping the demons at bay, but not all the time. Shift changes, when everything slows down and becomes quiet, are the worst for me. For example: after a day of being very productive and well-behaved, I am now thinking of partaking in an activity which I know goes against my instruction. I find little ways to rationalize my thinking, but it's always the same.

There are times when I am completely gung-ho about making better decisions and taking steps to avoid the temptation and then there are others when I seem to go out of my way to do the very things I had previously asked God to help me avoid. My present vulnerability leaves me without a filter and, when temptation strikes, I find myself thinking, saying and doing things that are not the usual “me.”

I am so thankful for His interventions. I am a big believer that He makes things happen to keep us from continuing in the wrong direction. He whispers to me, but I find I don’t usually listen until He has to yell to get my attention. By the time I finally listen to Him, I’ve caused myself a lot of pain. But yesterday was different. He allowed something I had planned (which was completely an unhealthy idea but I didn’t see it that way) to fall through. Although I was disappointed, it dawned on me that it happened for a reason. I realized what a fool I’d been all this time. It hurt, but not as much as if I hadn’t listened.

I’ve fallen away from God. It didn’t start out like that, but like most unhealthy habits in life it just sort of spiraled out of control and now I feel completely lost and worthless - yet still wanting control. Like I’ve done such a bang-up job so far!

I need to turn back to God, give it all to Him and let Him control things. Of course, that requires my passivity. Crap. I have to consciously make the choice to seek Him before temptation strikes so I can be strong and clear when things get confusing. If’ I’m constantly looking toward God, there will be no confusion. He has pulled me through tough times before and I know He will pull me through this. I just have to let Him.