Temptation

It seems I am struggling with so much temptation these days. I hate how weak and guilty I feel when I give into it, yet I usually turn around and do it again. It doesn't matter what kind of temptation - of the body, mind or spirit - I'm racking up big points in the "things I shouldn't have done" department. The worst part about this is I still look upon some of those temptations as fun and/or don't take any action to prevent myself from backsliding again. I know my thoughts and behaviors are hurting my relationship with God but I still do them because I benefit in some Earthly way. I hear Him whispering what I action I should take, yet I am torn. The actions I am to take are in direct conflict with what I've been doing (obviously) and that scares me. I think there's a reason for this: the situations in which I involve myself are very positive and have the potential to be blessings in my life, but I taint them with my insecurities and doubts due to the fact that every aspect of my life (social, financial, career, school, emotional) - seems to be falling apart at exactly the same time. How did I get here?!?

I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other, but in a different way than usually imagined. Several angels and demons exist; each one arrives for work in my conscious, works a few hours and then trades off with another of their type. The angels usually do a pretty good job of keeping the demons at bay, but not all the time. Shift changes, when everything slows down and becomes quiet, are the worst for me. For example: after a day of being very productive and well-behaved, I am now thinking of partaking in an activity which I know goes against my instruction. I find little ways to rationalize my thinking, but it's always the same.

There are times when I am completely gung-ho about making better decisions and taking steps to avoid the temptation and then there are others when I seem to go out of my way to do the very things I had previously asked God to help me avoid. My present vulnerability leaves me without a filter and, when temptation strikes, I find myself thinking, saying and doing things that are not the usual “me.”

I am so thankful for His interventions. I am a big believer that He makes things happen to keep us from continuing in the wrong direction. He whispers to me, but I find I don’t usually listen until He has to yell to get my attention. By the time I finally listen to Him, I’ve caused myself a lot of pain. But yesterday was different. He allowed something I had planned (which was completely an unhealthy idea but I didn’t see it that way) to fall through. Although I was disappointed, it dawned on me that it happened for a reason. I realized what a fool I’d been all this time. It hurt, but not as much as if I hadn’t listened.

I’ve fallen away from God. It didn’t start out like that, but like most unhealthy habits in life it just sort of spiraled out of control and now I feel completely lost and worthless - yet still wanting control. Like I’ve done such a bang-up job so far!

I need to turn back to God, give it all to Him and let Him control things. Of course, that requires my passivity. Crap. I have to consciously make the choice to seek Him before temptation strikes so I can be strong and clear when things get confusing. If’ I’m constantly looking toward God, there will be no confusion. He has pulled me through tough times before and I know He will pull me through this. I just have to let Him.